Year-round badge of courage

I've already alluded to my strict off-season training regimen, dubbed "Taint Training" for its likeness to medieval torture. I've also found TT is good for removing layers of saddles sores you didn't know you had. And while some of you have begged for my TT secrets, I'm not going to share with you any details, let alone photographs. Suffice it to say TT isn't for the faint of heart or the sound of mind. It's a downright painful, exhausting, and messy ordeal.

It takes a special breed to commit — and follow through — with winter training protocols. And I'm one of the breed. Or, one of a breed.

One breed I'm not a part of, though, is the "commute in all weather" family of cycling animals. And when I say all weather, what I really mean is, freezing cold, dark, icy winter weather. Like the kind we're experiencing every morning here in Utah.

For the past few winters I've noted a particularly deranged commuter who is bundled up with enough layers to warmly circumnavigate the North Pole; he sports goggles, a gas mask, mittens more suited for a dog sled musher, and surprisingly still has a helmet that fits his melon over several layers of fleece hats.

I realize this man may not own a car and that he's saving money, maintaining his fitness, and proving he's tougher than me; but that's no excuse for trying to kill yourself in the pitch black of the morning on icy roads filled with disoriented and inattentive drivers. 

 

If you're looking for the year round badge of courage, I hereby award it to you. I'll even have something crafted out of bronze, if a simple patch won't do the trick. 

And I'll be the first to admit it: You are the toughest guy I don't know. 

I'll further admit that I am not tough. When it's 22 degrees with a 15 mph breeze and I'm standing at the bus stop, I want to reach into my backpack, retrieve the emergency lighter I keep, gather some kindling and stoke up a blaze in the nearest 55-gallon drum I can find.

So when I see these deranged commuters barreling down North Temple, I begin to wonder about their mental state. And I know most of these guys...they're not just going across town; they have 10-14 mile commutes.

Now I realize to each his own, but really, riding your bike in 20 degree weather on skating rinks for roads with snow and ice lining your route? That's training?

And do I even need to mention the air quality? Or the expense of outfitting yourself with Himalayan quality gear? Unless you're planning to summit Everest on a bike, you don't need this crap.

And I'll let you in on a little secret....shhhh....it's called a trainer. You hook your bike up to it, ride it indoors while watching My Sweet 16 on MTV, and enjoy the luxuries of the 21st century.

I know, I know...but it won't make you tough. Fine. I'll take a debit in the tough guy category and be alive next season to haul your asthmatic, lung cancer-riddle shell of a winter commuting body up the climbs. All while sporting my cowboy boots and a leather taint.

Two wheels for life (weather permitting)